weighing big things

weight

You could spend your whole life

tense

not wanting to cross any major streets for fear of being hit,

not even read fairy tales

because in those pages, there is always death

lurking

in a mole, on a witch,

in her jealousy,

a potential curse brewing,

seething, bubbling up.

 

I know someone

who never makes any left turns,

i swear.

i am not just being metaphorical.

only rights.

 

Can you imagine

your commute to work, a road trip,

your whole life

accrued in miles with only rights.

 

You could avoid trains

because you could get a sleeve or an arm in those fast shutting doors

or worse,

hear news that someone

jumped.

 

You could fear

being a widow and never marry

your true heart’s love

because it would someday

be too sad.

 

You could have worried yourself into a tizzy,

into a hospital in Jerusalem

because you heard old reports of terror.

 

You could back into a sticky web of anxiety

and never take that lovely petal-lined walk

down a tulle-trimmed aisle.

 

You would have chosen against beauty that day,

declined the family who also chose you that day,

bestowing you with

pink pearls,

a silken kimono,

the someday children who would carry

their prayers, promises,

eyes,

genes.

 

One breakout,

one left-hand turn

one

skinny-dip at night

into fear’s fuzzy wake,

into flight,

and immediately,

like my daughter squealing as she threw last night’s obscenely cold bath water

all over her,

pouring it out in pitcher-fulls,

know it is okay

to both live

and make mistakes.

 

Rather, you can get hooked on falling into the arms of grace.

Knowing there is a warm bath towel and a happy ending

at the end,

on your pillow,

in the tuck-in and

“good night”.

 

When did you choose love & jumping-off? There is one traceable moment for me in Colorado (the summer I met my Love), where I literally chose to leap off a little cliff into the Colorado River, deciding faith over “what ifs”. “My life is in Your Hands”, I offered before flinging myself off of the ground. 

Maybe your risks are Heath Crunch over vanilla, maybe BIG Faith, like calling off a wedding, stopping or starting medical treatment. Maybe it’s all big faith, Risk. Love. Life. 

When did something in you change to say no to fear and yes to faith?

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Wild Horses

Thinking of how “Wild Horses” always reverberates for me.

Let’s do some livin, eh?

It’s easy to do.

And even when it would take a bunch of wild, Chincoteague-esque ponies

or some hulking, shaggy-ankled Clydesdales,

there is usually some big tug-o-war with rope going on.

I can’t let you slide through my hands“.

And even for a simple evening,

an obsessing pros and cons column

inside my nine year old field day limbs

push and pull

drag and lift

family with an ocean in between

and a bris

life and death

always on the forefront

emails with newborn pictures

love gushing

and also cancer.

Last time I was away

a wedding

a disaster

the tsunami

and a rift in communication

even for that second…

to visit some means leave more

and sometimes that is important,

my husband encourages.

Let’s do some living…

Sometimes it takes a lot to go,

even if for a brief,

very important,

clandestine,

& virtuous

visit.

–Isn’t it funny? I just read, after writing this, that Keith Richards wrote the song about not wanting to leave his two month old child. What a good, good, good expression: “Wild horses couldn’t drag me away.” Ain’t that the truth.

When was it so hard for you to be away from someone you love? Did you ever have to make that choice about being away? Daycare vs staying at home daily? A big business trip that would keep you away from an important birthday celebration? What was it?